Being In Medicine Doesn't Make "Mommy Thoughts" Easier
Becoming a new mom is scary. I don’t care what kind of career background you have. Even if you’re in the medical field, there is a difference between taking care of other people and taking care of your child. My fear started before I even got pregnant. I don’t know why, but for some reason I’ve always had this unwarranted fear that I would have a hard time getting pregnant. I think it was a seed I planted in my own brain the minute I decided I wanted kids. Maybe it was a protective instinct just so it wasn’t a complete shock if I did ever have a hard time. I know how common it is and I can’t imagine the struggle that some women go through. [ I know some women personally that have had an extremely hard time, and my heart goes out to them. They are the true warriors. ] I had been on birth control since I was 15 years old, and after hearing mixed opinions on what that could do to your reproductive system in school and on rotations, the little seed I planted myself began to grow.
But fear aside, my husband and I decided in August 2017 that I would stop taking birth control, give myself a 6-month wash-out period from it and let my body regroup. So 6 months later, when February 2018 came around and my app told me that I was ovulating, we gave it a shot. Lo and behold, the first time was the charm for us. On March 18th, I felt my nipples for the first time since I had a breast augmentation 10 years prior, and I knew this was it. I was pregnant. I took a test and, sure enough, it came back positive.
That’s when the negative thoughts started to snowball. I knew the risk of miscarriage was highest before 12 weeks, but even after that point, it wasn’t 100 percent that something else couldn’t go wrong. So even though the months went on, and statistically speaking I was in the clear, the thoughts continued. Every slight cramp or sign of blood, I freaked out. Oddly enough, the days I felt amazing were the scariest for me because I thought to myself, “why don’t I feel tired, why don’t I feel nauseous? Something has to be wrong.”
[FACT]: Even medical professionals use Google, despite our better judgment. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Literally, you’re either dying or already dead and apparently a ghost, according to WebMD. My friend from PA school happened to be pregnant with me at the same time, and my best friend was pregnant, too. This helped me the MOST. It was so reassuring to have others to confide in when I was starting to go down a dark road of thoughts. There is something about knowing so much about certain things that I personally feel makes the process scarier. Even my mom, who is a PA as well, told me that she was glad she had children before going to PA school. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. And I couldn’t agree more when it comes to pregnancy and having a child.
Worst-case scenarios somehow always tend to manifest first. Maybe it’s the way we are taught in school. Exclude the Red Flags First. This continued past pregnancy into the newborn phase, and now into the toddler phase. I’m sure it will continue on forever with my own child. It’s weird, though; it’s so much easier to talk one of my friends down from the proverbial ledge than it is to talk myself back from it. I can think more rationally when it concerns someone else’s child instead of my own.
However, I will say that being a PA probably makes me feel more confident when I am talking to his Pediatrician. Sometimes my husband will ask me to explain something that she says, to word it in a way that isn’t so medically jarring. He also relies on me to take over when it comes to the medical decisions. I know what to expect from the visits, I can keep up with the treatment plans and options, and I know what questions to ask if I feel that something wasn’t addressed. But I am definitely not all-knowing. Especially when it comes to pediatrics. I was in Internal Medicine for two years, and the youngest child I saw was 16 years old. In Dermatology, I only saw infants and children for rashes, not the other million things that come with having a child. This was definitely a learning process for me as well. Did I take out all my school notes on pediatrics the second I found out I was pregnant? Duh. Did I read a ridiculous amount of medical pediatric books that I probably shouldn’t have in order to avoid the complete panic I gave myself? Absolutely. But what I do have (that many other moms probably don’t) are the medical resources and the ability to consult with peers that are in Pediatrics pretty easily. What I was confident in right from the start was knowing when it was time to take him in to see the Pediatrician, as opposed to when something was most likely normal and didn’t require medical attention. Did I still freak out about the tiniest rash? Of course. I’m still a mom and he is still my first child.
It’s easy to let your mind go to a bad place. It comes with being a protective new mom. It has nothing to do with having medical knowledge or not. But time really helps you get a grasp on this. It doesn’t matter what you read or learn about in school; when the time comes, it is never textbook. Milestones are in place to guide the progress of your child’s development, but obsessing over them becomes all-consuming. Two of my closest friends had children right around the same time as I did. Just because one can walk at 11 months and the other two can’t, doesn’t mean anything. All three of the children have progressed differently, but are still right on track and perfect in their own way. I sometimes feel like social media makes you feel like you have to keep up with everyone else’s children. Remember that every child is different. Forcing them to do something or becoming overly obsessed isn’t healthy for you or your child. Keep up with your doctor appointments and let your child learn at his or her own pace.
If you’re a new mom and just like to have a resource handy, I found this book to be very helpful. The internet can become a black hole. If you type in fever and night sweats - what is it? Cancer. 100% cancer according to Google… well, more often than not, it’s probably just a viral infection. Having a tangible book handy was what kept me the most level-headed. If you’re in doubt, just call the pediatrician. That’s what they are there for. You’re a first time mom, and they get it. And if they make you feel bad about it, find another pediatrician. Because it is scary, and I can relate, even after going through medical training. Sometimes getting that secondary reassurance is all you need to sleep a little better at night.