To my sons

I imagined motherhood before I became a mother. I imagined the kind of mom I would be- what motherhood would look like- and even the amount of love I would feel. All of it.

But holding you, my first born, for the first time was more than I could ever have imagined. Did I think I would be a girl mom the first time around, maybe. Does it matter? Absolutely not. Anthony John, Jr. - the second you came into my life, the first time I held you, I knew my life would never be the same. The love I have for you continues to grow every single day. You made me a mom. You made me a new version of myself. You made me a better person.

Then it came time to consider another baby. I was scared. I was unsure. What if my love for you was all I had in me and there wasn’t room for me to love anyone else? What if you felt like mommy and daddy didn’t love you anymore? What if I couldn’t handle it? What if I messed this up? For those 10 months, so many “what-ifs” kept me up at night.

Then you came along, Christopher. And I would be lying to myself, & to you, if I said I didn’t for a second think- okay this is where I’m going to have my girl… did I want one? I don’t even know. Did I feel slightly disappointed when we got the results? I can’t even tell you because so much relief ran through me that it overpowered every other feeling I had. I already knew that a son’s love could lift you up on your worst days. I knew that I could handle the energy that came with one already. I knew that my heart was ready for you.

What I didn’t know was how ready your big brother was for you. The fear I had that he would feel abandoned & resentment toward us for not having all the attention was erased the second we brought you home. He knew when he saw you that we were bringing home his best friend. He has made that clear every day since then.

So to say that I’m grateful today would be putting it lightly. I am a boy mom. I know gender is a sensitive subject today, so I just want to say that if one day one of my boys come home and tell me otherwise - that’s fine too! But for now, I’m celebrating my sons.

Happy National son’s day to my beautiful boys. I love you more than I ever knew humanly possible.