Becoming a mom

Personally, the hardest part about becoming a new mom was not taking care of my child, it was learning to balance taking care of another human, while still remembering to take care of myself.

I didn’t think about that aspect before having a kid. I just figured that the hardest part was going to be keeping him alive. Yeah, that part is scary and more challenging now that he is on the move, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the other things you are battling.

Trying to balance taking care of yourself, your child, maintaining your relationships (not just with your partner, but with your friends and family), while also learning to accept that your body has just gone through a MAJOR change, was a lot to take in. Running on little to no sleep, getting frustrated with your partner because they get to leave the house all day to go to work, and then dealing with the guilt you feel for being frustrated. It’s a lot. It still is, and I’m over a year out. I am constantly working on all of these things on a daily basis. There are days where I lay down at night and I think, “today I kicked ass,” and there are other days where I think, “wow, today kicked MY ass.”

For me, life has become an emotional rollercoaster. All these new feelings of angst, excitement, worry and insecurity tug on you from different angles. Putting my anxious thoughts to rest has become a big battle for me after becoming a mom. I wouldn’t say that I didn’t struggle with anxiety before having Anthony, but I think I was just better at dealing with it. Now I have anxiety about different things. Like, will he be okay if I leave him for a couple of hours - should I even be leaving him for a couple of hours? Is it okay that I’m having fun without him? Oh, you’re not anxious right now? Cue the insecure thoughts. I knew that having a baby was obviously going to change my body. For someone that has always struggled with body image, I knew this would pose quite the problem after gaining weight during pregnancy and then not having the ability to go to the gym whenever I wanted to anymore. It has been tough for me to be comfortable in my new skin. I was lucky enough not to get any stretch marks on my stomach, but my boobs have a road map of white stretch marks after pregnancy. Does it bother me? Most days. But other days I’m able to look at them as a reminder of what I not only accomplished by nursing him for as long as I did (after I thought I wouldn’t be able to) but also the human my body literally created. Women need to stop and realize that their bodies are magic. Not only do you create this tiny human with your body, but now you’re raising it, too. You take the back seat after you have a child. And your body gets the last seat on the bus.

At the end of the day, taking care of your child is just one piece of the puzzle. Yes, they are needy at times, but most of the time, that part is minuscule compared to everything else you’re trying to overcome. At the end of the day, your child doesn’t know how to communicate any way other than through crying or pulling on you. This world is so new to them. They are learning every single day. Though that may be hard to remember when you’re completely sleep-deprived and just wanting to drink your twelfth cup of coffee in silence, they do not understand that. You are the center of their universe. One day, you won’t be. And though a part of you is screaming for that day to come when you’re on your last thread of sanity, the other half is struggling with the thought of that day coming so quickly.

The days are long, but the years are short. I used to think what a cliche that was, but it's pretty crazy how real that statement becomes when you begin measuring your time by your child’s years. Time seems to speed up at an exponential rate the day they are born.

As hard as it is to do it, try to stop and enjoy the moments. The hard times will end, and you’ll miss it. Just remember, mama, you are a badass.