You leave the hospital ... NOW WHAT?

So, you had your baby.

You have an incredible three days at the hospital with all the care you could ever imagine .. maybe even more, depending on whether you had a C-section or any complications. By day two, most of us are ready to get the F out of there. What was supposed to be your last few days of a full nights’ sleep actually turns into a huge foreshadow of what’s to come when you get home. That is, you get woken up every two hours overnight to have a new nurse come in to check your blood pressure, check your vagina or C-section scar, and remind you to eat the random scraps of cold food that have been sitting out for hours while you try to get in a minute of shut-eye.

Don’t get me wrong - thank God for the amount of labor and delivery nurses that come in and check on you, because half of us don’t know what the hell we’re doing, despite thinking that every book you read prior to this day sufficiently trained you on becoming a kick-ass parent. It’s basically the same thing you feel after finally completing PA school (or any kind of school, for that matter), passing the PANCE, and getting your license … In comes your first patient aaaaand cue Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones from Men In Black wiping out every single memory you have with their mind-eraser pen. Out goes all the knowledge you spent years pumping into your brain. Basically like it never happened. This is literally how I felt the second I walked into my house holding my child. Cue the crying. I’m pretty sure I was programmed to cry as soon as Anthony cried for about the first 3 days. It was like something in me was triggered and out came the tears. Why was he crying? Was he in pain? Was he hungry? Was he dying? Of course, the psycho in me was thinking, “I must have hit his head on something as I was walking around in my completely empty living room while he was literally tucked into my karate grip.”

Let me side-step for a second: the kinds of thoughts that enter a mom’s brain the second their child leaves their body makes me realize that all horror stories must be written by post-partum mothers. Literally the first time I put him in his stroller, the only thought in my mind was that I’d let go and he’d roll helplessly into oncoming traffic. Naturally, I gripped that handle so hard that my knuckles turned white. On the way home from the hospital, my husband literally drove 10 miles an hour because both of us kept worrying we would get into an accident. (We were probably doing more harm by driving that slow, but DON’T JUDGE US). And the list goes on. Every negative thought that I could imagine, in any given scenario, is the first to manifest in my mind now that I had this child.

New moms: Here’s a helpful step-wise process to decipher why the baby is crying. More often than not, it is due to one of the following:

He/She pooped - Check diaper. Surprise, enjoy this while it’s still easy because the baby can’t get up and walk around just yet.
He/She is hungry - Attempt to feed said baby.
He/She is tired - Yes, so are you, so go ahead and cry, too. It’s fine. Everything is fine.
He/She has gas - Make it a habit to burp and hold your baby upright for about 15-30 minutes after a feed to reduce the chances of reflux, because this really does upset them. (Think about going to sleep after you just had a huge meal - and remember their bellies are basically the size of a pea at this point). Even if you prop them upward and lay them on your chest, it’s better than them laying down in your arms. If you notice that your baby is extra gassy and often gets upset after he/she eats , try gripe water. Link here. It is safe for newborns. I do want to say that, until about three months, I had a problem with Anthony crying/screaming as he was eating. He would just start screaming in the middle of nursing. At first, I thought it was because my milk was coming out too fast, so I tried to hand-express before every feed so that the milk would come out slower. That would only work sometimes, and he was still having issues often with severe gas. I then tried to cut out dairy from my diet. Yes, this was hard, but it really did make a difference for him. Unfortunately, it takes some time for the dairy to fully leave your system, so it will take a while for you to notice if it’s working. But, it’s worth a shot.
If you’ve gone through all these steps and baby is still crying and you notice they feel warm, you may want to check his/her temperature. (Note: rectal temperature is the MOST accurate.) I’m going to quickly run through the definition of a fever. Our body temperature is not 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit for 24 hours a day. It varies throughout the day based on hormone levels. It is the coolest at 7am (when it can be as low as 97.6 degrees) and hottest at 7pm (when it can be as high as 100 degrees). That being said, a body temperature of 100.4 degrees or higher, RECTALLY, is a true fever. A fever is the body’s immune response to an infection. Any temperature of 100.4 degrees or greater between the ages of 0 to 4 weeks requires medical attention. DO NOT give your newborn Tylenol without speaking to your pediatrician if he/she is less than 4 weeks old. Unfortunately, at this age, you will most likely be sent to the hospital because newborns have a risk of serious bacterial infections due to delivery and possible urinary tract infections. Honestly, most of the time, the newborn has contracted some kind of virus from a family member in the midst of all the new cuddles. This is why I was an absolute psycho in the first 4 weeks after Anthony was born. (JK. I am still a psycho and he is now 15 months old). No one was allowed to hold him the day he was born besides my husband and I. Everyone who stepped foot in our home was told to wash up like they were scrubbing in for surgery, and if they so much as breathed on my child, they were told to leave. This is what happens when you’re in the medical field and also a total nut job. But, Anthony stayed out of the hospital and I avoided a complete and total mental breakdown.

If you’re looking for a great resource that has quick, bulleted notes and isn’t a black hole of horrible finds (like the Internet), check out this book - it was so great: “Baby 411.”

Something else that people don’t tell you - you leave the hospital still looking pregnant. See photo: this is day 4 post-partum and I’m still looking pretty prego. If you had a vaginal birth, and I’m sure the same applies for a C-section because you are surely sore as crap after that - taking a poop is PRETTY FREAKING TERRIFYING for the first week. MIRALAX! MIRALAX! MIRALAX! One more time for the ladies in the back: MIRALAX. Especially if you are taking pain medications that will constipate you. Luckily, I only needed ibuprofen but, still, I was scared to have a rock-solid poop - so I dosed myself daily with some Miralax.

For those of you who are breastfeeding - here’s another fun fact: not every baby latches right away. This was something that was so hard for me to understand because I was not mentally prepared for the struggle that followed. If you’re interested in my journey, check out my “Let’s Talk Breastfeeding” blog post.

Your first outing with the baby will most likely be the 3-day check-up at the pediatrician. I literally packed my diaper bag like I was leaving the country for a week. What the hell do you even bring with you? I will tell you that in the beginning, my diaper bag probably weighed 10 pounds. I didn’t want to be stuck in a situation where I didn’t have something that I needed. Sooooo… I PACKED EVERYTHING. If you want some ideas for what to keep with you: “Diaper Bag Essentials” post here. But, I will tell you that the most important things are: DIAPERS, WIPES, AND A CHANGE OF CLOTHES FOR YOU AND BABY. For the first month, these are literally the most important. Babies are poop machines. Oh, and hand sanitizer. I bought that in bulk. As the months go on, you will get more lax with what you bring with you and will realize that the world won’t end if you forget something - unless it’s a diaper or wipes, then the world’s ending. I always kept extra in my car - just remember to change out the diapers as the baby grows; I forgot to do that a couple times.

Finally:

Just remember that no one knows for sure what they are doing when they leave the hospital. It Is a learning curve. I’m still learning new things every single day. And that is okay. No one is perfect, but you are the perfect mom for your son/daughter. Don’t let other people make you feel inferior. You got this, mama.