Make the thoughts stop

I wrote this back in January and didn’t decide to post it until now. Anthony started daycare about 3 weeks ago, and not during the most ideal time considering there is a pandemic going on. I never thought that would be something added to the mix of feelings I already had regarding the matter, but here we are in the game of Jumanji that called 2020.

Since I’ve had Anthony, I feel like my life has turned into alternating periods of “ups and downs.” There are weeks where I’m so happy and joyful, followed by weeks that are filled with so much anxiety and overall sadness. I gave myself a timeline for when I would want to put Anthony into daycare, and now that the time has come, I literally feel like I’m suffocating most days. Maybe I shouldn’t have given myself a timeline in the first place, maybe that was naive and something that I did because I had absolutely no idea how much I would change the minute I became a mother. I was always a controlling person and liked to be the one to delegate things, even when it came to a school project. But now, that feeling has amplified times a million. The thought of leaving my child in someone else’s care for multiple hours a day is crippling to me. I have absolutely nothing against daycare, and I always thought that I would be more than okay with it, especially after a year of being cooped up at home with a child. But now that the year has expired, not only does the fact that the year literally FLEW by throw me into a downward depressive spiral, but it also makes me wonder when I will ever be okay with going back to work full-time, or even part-time, out of the home.

I was talking to my best friend about this, like I do with everything else (I’m still wondering why she hasn’t started charging me by the hour), and it made realize that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I know that she has trouble letting other people do things for her and for her baby, too. 

Literally my day in a nutshell: “Why isn’t my husband helping me with anything?” Also me: “You’re not doing it right, just let me do it.” This is my problem, not his. Though I like to blame him for a lot of things, I know I have to take some of that blame as well. I don’t know if it’s because I have a little bit of a control issue, or if it’s just me being impatient, but I know that I am not the type of person that says they have to do something and then waits two hours to do it. I have to do it right then and there. My husband, however, is NOT like that. 

Are you someone who has changed drastically since becoming a mom? Have you struggled with the idea of daycare or going back to work? I would love to hear from you! Either leave a comment on my post- or if you would prefer, send me an email directly! Samantha@mommyrealist.com