Second Baby Pressure
I began writing this back in April 2020 and never posted it. Going to just go ahead and post now with some adjustments at the end!! Don’t forget to comment on the bottom!
I am going to get candid in this post because it's something that has been stressing me out since the day Anthony was born, and I'm sure I am not alone. . .
Let me start with this: as I have gotten older and watched many friends have a difficult time conceiving, I have learned that certain questions are not meant to be asked. Questions such as, "When are you guys going to have kids?" To be honest, I never used to think twice about that question, or how it could trigger a world of pain for someone who has no answer, simply because they are struggling to make this very personal thing happen.
I find myself wanting to ask that question often. I don’t know why it is such a conversation piece the second people get married or start dating. Is it something that society has just ingrained in us without us even realizing it? I have to make it a point to step back and approach the conversation differently. "Do you guys want kids?" is usually my go-to. (Reality Check: Not every person wants kids - and that is FINE.)
Well, here is a similar question for those of us who already have kids: "Where is baby number two?” I swear, the second that Anthony came out of my freaking vagina, I was already getting this question. Like, hello??? Can you give my body a second to figure out what the hell just happened to it, and my brain a second to adjust to the fact that I now have to keep this little human alive?
I have always wanted two kids. I still do, but I really wasn’t expecting to have such a hard time adjusting to having just one. I feel like my life has completely changed since having Anthony. The adjustment of going from no children to having a child was huge for me. I was not used to not being able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I didn’t think I was a selfish person before I had him, but now that I do, I yearn for my personal space and time. I constantly feel like I never have a minute to myself. (I know that one day I will miss this constant need he has for me. I know it, and yet, I can’t help but wish for that, too). There are so many emotions that come with having a child that I can’t even put them all into words. And I am not, by any means, regretting my decision of having a child. I love my son more than anything in the entire world and I would never, ever be able to live without him. I cannot even imagine my life without him now that he is here. But now that I have finally “adjusted” to having one, and started feeling like my “old self” again, not only mentally but physically, I worry about starting over with another one. I know that I want them both to be close in age, so I feel like I am racing against a clock that I have set for myself.
I can't tell you how many times I get asked “where is number two?” and how it instantly sends my heart racing every single time. There are certain questions that, even without the intention, can spark something in a person that you may not be aware is there. And for me, that sparks the already-constant pressure that I am putting on myself to be “ready” for number two. As I write this, the little person in the back of my mind that wants to be rational and supportive says “there will never be a right time; there is no such thing” while the other little devil person says, “you feel like you just got your sanity back and now you want to do this shit again? You crazy?” But here we are, baking number 2. Am I ready? No. Will I ever be? Probably not. But I got through it the first time and I’m sure I can do it again. I have learned so much from my first one, and have learned to accept that there is no perfect way to be a parent. This was a huge thing for me to learn and I will be taking it with me on my journey of being a mom of two boys.
Does anyone else realize how many triggering questions there are now that you’ve become an adult, or experienced these situations for yourself? Are you someone who finds certain questions triggering? If you feel comfortable, I would love for you to share below !! If you wish to remain anonymous, you can always send me an email and I can post for you!