SELF-CARE
So, your baby is finally asleep. What do you do?
Eat. Nap. Laundry. Shower. Shave. Sh*t. Scroll through Instagram? The second I see Anthony’s eyes close, I instantly panic because I have absolutely no idea which task to take on first. I swear, whoever said to sleep when your child sleeps must have had their own personal chef, a maid, a makeup artist, a plastic surgeon on-call and someone to pluck their eyebrows while they’re sleeping.
The adjustment to having such little “me” time for self-care was probably one of the hardest. I was losing my sanity, and I was losing it quickly. I had to do something. So, I made lists. I organized them from top priority/must do items - like shower at least every other day - to the things that I would like to do, but the world wouldn’t stop if I didn’t get to them. And then I would work through them. The feeling of crossing something off made me feel accomplished in itself.
But, if for some reason I don’t feel like doing jack sh*t while he’s asleep one day, I allow myself that option as well.
Because, ladies… IT IS OKAY TO DO NOTHING. You should do nothing every once in a while, and let your body just relax. I swear, women are going into menopause earlier and earlier these days because of how much we run rampant for so many years. We overwork our adrenal glands to the point of no return. Adrenal fatigue has become such a problem for women that people actually now know what it is. I say for women, because while I was in practice at my Internal Medicine office, we specialized in hormone replacement and endocrine disorders, and the majority of those with adrenal fatigue were women. If I had to put a number on it, it would probably be 90% women and 10% men. It’s ridiculous.
Women put too much pressure on themselves. Plain and simple. Social media doesn’t help most of the time either. People paint these picture-perfect lives and make others feel inadequate. This is very different from when, say, our parents and grandparents were raising children. Yes, women were still expected to be the caregivers and homemakers, but that was really it. They didn’t have the added pressure of also being a successful career woman. I’m not saying that the olden days were the golden days but, in a way, when it came to comparison, it wasn’t as “in your face” as it is today. Turn on the TV, log onto Facebook or Instagram, and there are insanely gorgeous, successful women flaunting it everywhere. They’re doing it all while also acting like they have their sh*t together with a child or multiple children. Guess what? Chances are, they probably don’t have it together. Or if they do, they aren’t showing you how many people and how much help is going into that. Remember, people only show you what they want you to see. Let that sink in for a second.
We now live in a world where women do build their own empires, they do join the workforce and some of us love that part of who we are. And that’s okay. But as women, we are forced to put that on hold in order to start a family. Men don’t really have to do that. Their lives still go on, basically as they did before. This is my struggle. I sometimes envy the fact that my husband gets to leave and go to work. He gets to speak to other adults, he gets to have lunch with his peers, he gets to drive in his car to work and back ALONE. Then, he comes home and has the baby for one or two hours before it’s bedtime. I resent him for that sometimes. And I’m SURE I’m not the only woman who feels that way. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE the fact that I was given the opportunity to be home with my son. That is what I chose to do, and I will forever be grateful for that. But there are days when I question if I did the right thing. There, I said it. At the same time, had I gone right back to work after giving birth, I would have questioned whether that was the right thing to do, too. Women are constantly fighting themselves. Some people don’t have the opportunity to stay home because finances just don’t allow it, and I’m sure they feel guilty because they want to be home with their babies. But sometimes, I feel that maybe it’s easier when the decision is made for you. You can always blame it on that and justify it in your own mind that way. For me, I feel like I’m using the fact that daycare is so expensive as an excuse some days, too. Just because, deep down, I am probably not ready to leave him with someone else for an extended period of time. Would it save me my sanity some days? 100%. Would I be happy to be back in medicine (because I do miss it, and I miss it A LOT)? I’m sure I would be happy there, too. But I know that the guilt of missing any time with him would eat me alive. Since having Anthony, my fear of how fast time is going by has been all-consuming. I have to constantly remind myself that he isn’t leaving for college in the next week or two, or even in the next 10 years. It’s like I have this unwarranted fear of time. I never felt like that before having a child. I’m scared not to soak up every single second. Even the seconds where he’s screaming bloody murder directly into my eardrum, killing my ability to hear, slowly but surely. This fear has blinded the fact that I still need to be me. Yes, I’m a mom, but I’m also allowed to still be a PA, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and a wife. I am also allowed to have “me” time without feeling guilty. If anything, it helps me be a better mom to have a moment to myself and remember that I am still a person, too.
People forget to check on moms.
They always ask how the baby is doing, but not how mom is doing. Most of the time, we will tell you we are fine, and that “we love being a mom.” Because that’s what you’re “supposed” to say. But in reality, being a mom is f*#king hard. You basically give up your soul to be this tiny human’s servant. And it’s fine, because it’s worth it, and I’m not saying that because I’m supposed to. IT IS WORTH IT. But it’s important to remember that a happy mom makes a happy baby. It’s extremely hard to take GOOD care of a child when you aren’t taking care of yourself, too. Something small may set you off because you’re so tired and haven’t had a break in who knows how long. You may not be able to enjoy all the seconds because you’re too busy trying to keep your cool and not explode on this little crying machine, and you may actually begin to resent your child. Even if it’s only for a second. And once you go there, and you realize you’re going there, guess what happens? You get mad at yourself and hate yourself for going there. But again, you aren’t alone. It happens. It is hard and you’re allowed to have moments where you aren't happy being home with your child. Saying that you’re happy EVERY SINGLE SECOND of every day with your child doesn’t make you a better mother. It makes you a liar.
So where am I going with this rant? I’m here telling you that self-care is important. It is not only important for you, but for your child, too. They deserve the best version of you, just like you deserve the best version of yourself. Do what you have to do to get there. If you need five minutes in a closet to eat a piece of dark chocolate in your underwear, you do that, and you ENJOY those five minutes. GUILT-FREE. If you need a girls’ night or weekend - you do that, too. Because you will come back a different person than when you left. And I’m sure your child will be grateful for it. So will your adrenal glands. Give them a break every once in a while, or they won’t be there for you when you’re nearing middle age.
Things I Do For Self-Care
Note: this is an ongoing this. I am haven’t aced the self-care yet. It’s still a daily work in progress and I’m adding new things to my list as I figure out what makes me feel like myself again. I will update it as I do this!
I make it a point to take one night a week to go to the gym with my best friend. We then go have a glass of wine for an hour or so. (Yes it defeats the purpose of the gym. But it’s for my mental health).
I get my nails and my toes done every 2 weeks, to feel more “put together”. Do I like the act of sitting there getting them done, nope. It’s not for me. I have never liked it. I am way to ADD for it and I feel like I’m just counting the minutes in my head. But I like the feeling of leaving there and having at least two parts of me done.
My husband and I have one of our moms come babysit Anthony every Friday so that we can have date night. This is not only important as my self-care, but for our relationship. We tend to get frustrated with one another during the week because of the stress of work for him, and the work of being home with Anthony all day long for me. It’s nice to have a couple of hours together to remember that we are still “us”.
New addition to my self-care routine: once a week for 20 minutes, sit in a hot bath that contains a handful of Epsom salts, 10 drops of lavender essential oil, and a half a cup of baking soda. (With or without a glass of wine). This combination draws out toxins, lowers stress-related hormones (aka cortisol) and balances your pH.
I would love to hear what some of you ladies are doing for some self-care! Leave a comment below and share !!