Friendships and Babies

This is for the mamas and the friends of new mamas.

[ BE PATIENT ]

You seriously do not know, until you know.

I am guilty of this. My best friend had her first baby five years before I had mine. I was selfish. I didn’t understand. Now that I have one, I GET IT. And I’m sorry that I didn’t before. It is really hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes if you have absolutely no idea what those shoes feel like.

Childless friends: don’t stop inviting us. We may not be able to go, but we like to know that you thought of us. Yes, we want to go, but we are either unable to or feel too guilty leaving our little ones to go have fun. One day we will be back, and we don’t want to lose your friendship. But we are not the same people we were before we had kids right now. Our priorities change and things get crazy. We haven’t forgotten about you. We may not contact you as often as we should at first, but we don’t mean it. We just have a million other things on our mind. And though you may be frustrated with us for not pulling our weight, one day if you choose to have children, you will see that it is not intentional. And we hope that you can forgive us and understand.

I remember thinking, “why is she not pumped about my bachelorette party? How can she possibly miss it? I’m her best friend.” I literally lost sleep about the idea of her not coming. Well, now I get it. An outsider looking in, one who doesn’t have a child, may think, “just get a babysitter, what’s the big deal?” Well, the big deal is, it’s your child. And you’re leaving him/her to go have fun. Cue the mom guilt overload. I feel bad, but I know that she knows that I get it now, that I’m a player on the same team as her. Yeah, it took me a while to get there but, surprise b*tch, I’m here and I feel like crap for ever making her feel like crap.

It’s a struggle having to choose between spending your time at home with your child (regardless of whether he/she is sleeping or not) and going out with your friends. Sure, your baby may be sleeping for the next few hours, but you never know when they will wake up. So, while you may be having a good time out with your girlfriends, you may have a little surprise when you get home at 2am. Like a screaming child who has decided he/she is awake and ready for the day. Guess who isn’t ready for the day, or even remotely ready to deal with this after a couple of glasses of wine. You. Then you ask yourself, was this worth it? Was it worth me going out for a couple of hours with my girlfriends just to come home and start my day at 2am and not getting a single hour of rest? Most of us will say “hell no”.

I’m not saying to never go out. Self-care is SO important and so is time for yourself. But until you get in the swing of things, it’s REALLY hard to do that. Let yourself be picky. If you don’t want to do something, don’t force yourself. Do something that YOU will enjoy. Your friends should understand that. If not, they will one day.

Some advice for all the friends: ask to come over and spend time at the house with the new mama and her baby. Even if you’re just sitting on the couch watching re-runs of “Friends,” I’m sure it will make the new mama feel good to have the company. It can be very lonely becoming a new mom, and having someone to sit with makes a big difference. To the new mamas, tell your friends how you feel. Ask them to join you. Even if they say “no” the first time, don’t be discouraged to ask again another time. Talk to your friends. Don’t expect them to understand without you saying anything. They haven’t been there yet. Again, it’s hard to imagine if you haven’t lived it yourself. There is a reason you have been friends for all these years, and I’m sure that if you open up to them, it will give them a new perspective on things.

Communication is key. Do not expect everyone to read your mind, not even your family members. If something is bothering you, or if you feel uncomfortable about something, voice it. You have a voice for a reason. Even if it causes a few seconds of tension, it’s worth being put out in the open so that it doesn’t eat you alive. You have enough new feelings and concerns that come with having a baby; there is no need for unnecessary resentment that can more than likely be fixed with a calm conversation.